Check In

I have been doing this barbering thing for half a year. Oh my god.

I want to break down the three main things that I was concerned about going into this venture.

1. - Mental Health
2. - Financial Stability
3. - Relationship w/ Hailie

1. - I have fucking horrible no good I want to straight up kill myself days. I still doubt they will ever go away, and in the political landscape that America has been in, I chose a DAMN FINE great time to stop taking my happy pills. I am still having issues with not having insurance due to an error caused by my insurance sales rep from before Hailie and I got married. No vasectomy, no happy pills, stress of a new career supporting both of us while Hailie has still been unable to find work for five months. Considering everything that life has thrown at me, I have enough motivation to make something happen that it outweighs the sadness that overwhelms me when it finally catches up to my moments of vulnerability.

I genuinely yearn for death a lot of days, but I'm simply too busy to oblige myself the convenience.

2. - I'm getting busier at the shop, and that's great because it's still just me supporting our little family. Hailie has been looking for work, but without any success, so she finds part time work online in any way she can. It definitely puts some added stress on me, but that's what I signed up for. She has had a few interviews at salons in town as their receptionist, and I'm hoping that her working interview tomorrow pans out well.

3. - Hailie and I are learning to live within our means, and it is definitely a struggling transition. At the end of the day, it's a positive for the appreciation we have of the things we can enjoy, but in the moment it sucks when we have been previously accustomed to a life of abundance and comfort. Yesterday I took her out to the park to hunt pokemon, and it was one of the most fun days we have has in weeks, and all it required was a free app and spending time with each other.

I keep looking back and comparing where I'm at to where I was, and the other day my timehop app pulled up this picture. This is where I met Hailie, it was one of the worst jobs I've ever almost been fired from (I called my boss a bitch on messenger) and nothing seems as bad as the idea of going back to the nameless existence of call center work.

I keep actively focusing on my happier moments, and I keep taking pictures so I can force myself to bring them up instead of struggling with internal strife and conflict of abstract knowledge.

4th of July Crepes!!

All of these events have helped bring me happiness in the last month, but none more than this woman. None of these changes would have been worth it if I didn't have someone to share the success with.